The First part is the hardest...

Like many women in abusive relationships, I did not realize that I was being abused. I've never experience abuse before and I did not recognize the signs. I wasn't physically abused, that would of been obvious abuse. I was emotionally abused by a ex boyfriend.

I thought at first, the way he talked to me or should I say, the way he criticized me, that it was his personality. His criticism was only constructive and that he was trying to make me into a better person...so he would say. He would find something I did wrong for example, pronunciation of a word, criticize my cooking, how I didn't wash his fruits and vegetables right, how I didn't turn out the lights when I left the room, how I did not care about the environment, how I would care about the dog more than him, how I dressed etc. He would pick fights with me because he was bored. He would also take credit for things that I've accomplished like I did not have the ability to do it without him e.g taking certain classes or improving my health by workout. He would say in every argument "If it wasn't for me you would have been or your wouldn't done (fill in the blank). Every time I'm happy about something, he would shoot it down by pointing out something else I did wrong. He always felt that I was being the man because I was too independent and he felt I did not need him, or he felt that I was disrespecting him because I would not agree with everything him did or say. He would do things that I didn't like like pinch me hard and then says that he was only playing stop being a "fuddy duddy". He would not offer to help me when I needed it UNLESS I specifically asked for his help. I was fearful to speak my mind in the event that he may lash out some hateful words to me. He would call me an idiot, stupid, selfish etc. I had to be careful what I said and how I said it to avoid another fight. He was very manipulative in a way that if he did something to hurt your feelings, he had a way to blame you like you cause him to say hurtful things to you....to criticize you. You start to believe "Maybe it is my fault" and you apologize for having expressed your feelings because you were overly sensitive. This is when I started second guessing myself. My confidence level that was once high was dropping and I began to agree just to stop agruing.

My personality was changing...changing into someone he wanted me to be, someone he could control. I was losing myself trying to please him but he could never be pleased. Walking on eggshell trying not to step too hard to keep the peace in the relationship. Every time I come home, my stomach would tie into knots wondering what person would show up. When we argued, which was almost every week, I would curse at him and he at me and I am not the type of person that likes to curse. Sometimes he would get me so frustrated that I would walk out of MY own house just to cool down. He brought out the worst in me. He tried to contribute his personality switches on the physical and emotional abuse he suffered as a child. At that time, I thought that it's not his fault that he acted that way. But as the relationship when on, I realize that it was an excuse, a crutch that he used to get away the way he was treating me...controlling me. People that I worked with was noticing that I was losing weight and that I was unhappy. Even my father asked was everything OK. When I had tried to convince my father that I was happy, I realize that I wasn't happy and I had to get out. I should not have to convince people that I was happy.

By the grace of God, he decide to leave and we broke up two weeks prior of him moving out but he still wanted a relationship. I express that we could not happen and it is over...but he did not want to hear it. Realizing that I was in an abusive relationship (which admitting it is the hardest part), I allowed him to think what he wanted just for him to get out. I had to play it smart. I had change my locks when he left (because he never gave me back my keys) and prayed that he would leave me alone...that didn't happen. He even told me that he would not have moved out if we could not be together (keep in mind we broke up two weeks prior to him moving) I had to realize in an abusers mind, it's never over. It took him two weeks of me not returning his calls (at that time, I felt like a prison in my own home) and a couple of time that he stopped by unexpectedly (I did not open the door) for him to leave me alone. No the police could not do anything, I've tried. As long as he did not threaten harm to me, they could not do anything. I kept looking around my shoulder to making sure that he was not around following me. I've never been so scared in my life. I let him harass me by saying what he wanted to say on my voice mails and text messaging, "How he made me who I am. How I was nothing before he came into my life. How could anyone want me now. How ugly I was." So many hurtful things he said but I never responded. This was almost two and a half years ago in 2006. Some times the thought of him still scares me. The scars that he put on me emotionally are healed but I still second guess myself sometimes.

I realize that it was the lack of love for myself that allowed me to endure this relationship. Anyone who loves themselves would of realized that an abusive relationship in any form is not right and they deserve much better. I knew that within 3 months of the relationship that something wasn't right but choose to ignore the signs. It took me a year to realized that I was abused and 6 months to plan an out. Like I say, I was lucky that he left on his own accord...my angels were looking out for me and I took that opportunity (I had 1 chance before 3 months into the relationship) to get out and I wasn't going to wait another year and 3months. Maybe I thought at the time that he was the best that I could do but after all the arguments, the losing of weight, and walking on eggshells, I realize that I could and deserve so much better. Even if it took me years to find someone else that would treat me better I would wait. Fortunately, I have someone that treats me like a queen with respect and dignity. Any one in an abusive relationship deserves better. There is a saying that "It could be worse" but "It always could be better" as well. Don't think negative, be positive. Don't let your abuser give you any excuse as to why they treat you the way they do. They have the power to control their behavior but chose not to. Don't think that you can change them either...they have to change themselves.

I will dedicate my blogs in finding ways to love yourself first and signs to avoid a partner that is abusive. You have to love yourself first because if you do not love yourself then how else anyone going to love you? You have to realize you do not deserved to be abused in anyway. On my next blog, will you take this pledge with me to "Love yourself first?"